.: Above The Aether :.

17 Apr, 2007

Analogies and metaphors

Posted by: Dave In: Humor |Spam Poetry

Dan sent this to me earlier today and I thought so many of them were good that I’d post them all.  Thanks Dan.

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room
temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

There are so many good ones that I am having a hard time picking a favorite.  Post a comment on your favorite if you have a free moment (although, you must have a free moment, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this blog when you should be working.)

-Dave

6 Responses to "Analogies and metaphors"

1 | TDH

April 18th, 2007 at 10:52 am

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I think the funnier ones that weren’t written in order to get a laugh, but were serious attempts. And a couple of these people are pretty blatantly ripping off Douglas Adams. I think he was the master of these. I think the best one (I like simplicity) is #6.

2 | Dave

April 18th, 2007 at 8:08 pm

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Yeah, I like simplicity too. Number 9 speaks to me.

3 | Scott

April 18th, 2007 at 8:12 pm

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#23 gets my prize for the most hilarious disconnect between the images, but #11 utterly fails in a way that’s very tough to beat.

4 | Dave

April 18th, 2007 at 8:18 pm

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Hmmm…23, Scott. Illuminating choice, don’t you think?

5 | Sue R.

April 19th, 2007 at 4:17 pm

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Dave,
These are just the greatest!! I copied and sent them to the Brandywine faculty!! Just said I read them on a Brandywine grad’s blog. Cool.

6 | Dave

April 20th, 2007 at 10:56 pm

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I feel a little famous now. Like the internet version of Don Knotts…famous, but still not very cool.

Categories


  • Dave: Not sure, Bryan, but I'd love to know where Craig lives.
  • Bryan Hanks: What city were those in?
  • Kevin David Anderson: check out our other wreaths at: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150452725264516.391111.360128594515&type=3
  • epiphenita: Like Tom Waits without the music.
  • epiphenita: Reminds me of my good friend's artwork: http://victoriacarlson.blogspot.com/2009/06/untitled.html
  • Dave: I think someone should make some dance music from those "WHOAHs."
  • epiphenita: Oh, Dave. That was tonic to my soul. Perfect. I vote for an exorcism.
  • Dave: Hmm, looks sober to me.
  • Scott: I'm thinking that the guy with the hat might have had a drink or two before this picture was taken. Just a hunch...
  • Scott: There's a roleplaying scenario just waiting to be written based on these pictures. :-)

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Stepping over the steaming pile of reality. This is one man's journey into the absurd.

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